Every type of consensual sex act between adults is as valid as the next, but some of them are more or less common than others. It’s estimated that just 10% of Americans who identified as women in a 2017 study done by Herbenick et al. and 18% of Americans who identified as men in the same study had had a threesome. That’s compared to 97% of Americans in a similar study done by ABC News in 2004 who reported having had sex in a two person configuration.
Threesomes may be somewhat rarified in the eyes of many, but they can be intense, rewarding, and enjoyable.
How to Have a Threesome
Threesomes, it can be argued, come in three basic formats. In the first, three people without an ongoing sexual relationship spontaneously decide to have sex. This is seen by many as the holy grail of threesomes: driven by in-the-moment desire, it feels to many like the most hedonistic and organic form of the threesome.
In the second, two people with an ongoing sexual relationship and one person outside of that relationship all decide to have sex, spontaneously or otherwise. For many, this is the type of threesome that’s easiest to organise. When everyone knows each other, it makes it easier to plan ahead, choose some fun threesome sex positions to try, and you have more time to gauge everyone’s interests. If you’re planning this type of threesome, make sure to take extra care to ensure that each member is an enthusiastic participant whose physical and emotional needs will be cared for. This kind of threesome could also encompass three people all in polyamorous or ethically non monogamous relationships with one another.
Finally, in the third type of threesome, two people with an ongoing sexual relationship intentionally search out a third person (often referred to as a “unicorn“). This person can be a stranger who they meet at a social event or in a public space. Often, they’re someone that the couple searches for on a dating app, meets at a swinger’s club or play party, or hires as a sex worker. If you’re planning this type of threesome, make sure that you only pursue thirds who want to be pursued for group sex and be aware of your couple privilege. It can be intensely objectifying and disappointing to find out that someone who you just met and thought you were really hitting it off with wants to use you as a sex object to fulfil their fantasy.
What Is a Threesome Like?
With all the sexual politics surrounding a threesome, you might find yourself wondering: Is a threesome fun? Will it even be worth all this effort?
Fulfilling fantasies is almost always effortful. So is having relationships and having great sex. As enthusiastic sexual partners and individual beings, we can choose to put the effort in so that both ourselves and our partners can have rich and fulfilling sexual lives and experiences.
In a threesome, you’ll find that you need to expend more emotional and social effort because there are two people, not just one person, who you need to be emotionally and sexually open with. But in return, you can also receive care, affection, and pleasure from two people. Plus there’s the thrill of the added novelty of having a threesome, if it’s a fantasy that’s been on your wish list for a while.
How Does a Threesome Work?
How do threesomes work for couples, three-person relationships, and strangers? Well, the dynamics for each are going to be different, and they’ll change over time as relationships form and develop. The key to having a great threesome is simply to ensure that each partner feels safe, valued, and enthusiastic about their participation.
You can have a threesome with participants of any gender and orientation that equally wants to have a threesome with you, and the excitement isn’t just for couples. Being the third in a threesome can be a thrilling experience, too. As the novel partner, you’re perhaps more likely to be showered with attention throughout the experience – just make sure you talk this through first, so everyone’s expectations are the same. Don’t assume you’ll be the centre of attention, as a couple may have a different idea of how they’d like the threesome to play out.
Organising a Threesome
Like most social parts of your adult life, the most difficult thing about figuring out how you can have a threesome is the organisational aspect of it. Actually having a threesome can be pretty easy with good communication – but finding the right partners and scheduling them in at a time that works for everyone? That’s tough.
If you’re organising a threesome and you can plan ahead, great. Threesomes aren’t necessarily the most fun when they’re rushed. Find a time where you can each rest, get in the mood, and shower or prep beforehand. If you’re able to choose a day where no one has to go to work the next morning, that’s even better. You might need to rest, perform self-care or aftercare, or spend time together the next morning, especially if your threesome ends up being a really intense emotional experience.
If you’re organising a threesome with one or two people you haven’t slept with before, you’ll run into a little more trouble. It can be hard to find a threesome in person or online, but make sure to give this article a read if you’re starting your search online. Dating apps and social networks including Killing Kittens can help you explore your desire and find great matches to share a threesome experience with. Being respectful in your search is key. Only approach people who are also looking for group sex experiences and be upfront about what you’re looking for.
How to Have a Threesome as a Couple
When planning a threesome as a couple, it’s important for partners to look at why they’re interested in having group sex. Both partners need to really want to have a threesome, and that need needs to come from a place of honesty, curiosity, and pleasure. To make sure you’re ready to have a threesome, discuss your boundaries and the possibilities of jealousy. Where can you see yourself becoming jealous, or upset? How do you plan to tackle those feelings as a couple? Also think about what positives you want to gain from the experience: what is it that would make you feel really good, and fulfilled?
Once you’ve chosen an enthusiastic third that both partners feel comfortable with, start planning the logistics. Set aside some time for your threesome and try taking your third out for a sensual date (or many dates!) before your planned threesome. This gives you the opportunity to get to know each other, discuss your STI status, plan what sexual barriers to use, and talk about boundaries.
If your time together is going well, you can pivot from the sensory to the sexual by asking questions about what each participant enjoys during sex. Finally, once contact begins, make sure to check in with each partner throughout the threesome to make sure they’re comfortable and having a great time.
Threesomes can be an amazing way to connect with other people. Make sure to enjoy every awkward, exciting, and revealing moment if you’re lucky enough to finf your way into one.
Rae Chen (they/them) is a queer Canadian writer who covers sex, tech, and beauty in between decaf oat milk lattes and trips to the dog park. Their work and interviews have been featured in Teen Vogue, SELF, InsideHook, Bloomberg, and more.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/thenotice
Website: https://thenotice.net/