So whether you’ve toyed with the idea of domination, get aroused at the thought of being tied up, or even if you have no idea what you’re into at this point, I’m here to walk you through the basics of the wonderful world of BDSM.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is an umbrella term that houses a variety of erotic practices within it, but its core kinks include Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Don’t worry if some of these don’t sound up your street, the beauty of BDSM is that everyone’s experience of it is unique, and you don’t have to be into everything! Let me break it down, kink by kink…
Bondage
Bondage is the art of tying or restraining your partner, and it really is an art! Some people love to practice bondage because the rope looks sexy, the way it weaves around the body and accentuates all the parts you love the most. Part of the reason I love being tied up is the beautiful marks the rope leaves on my skin after play, as a reminder of all the kinky fun I’ve just had.
Do you like the thought of being tied to the bed at the mercy of your partner’s desires? Bondage is one of the most popular kinks within the world of BDSM, and it’s such a simple thing that can be introduced into the bedroom that will instantly turn up the heat. A little imagination goes a long way. There are plenty of things you can find in your home such as scarves, neck ties and even shoelaces that are all great for restraining your partner — plus they’re gentle on the skin too.You don’t need to splash out on lots of fancy bondage equipment, especially if you’re trying it for the first time and you’re not even sure you’ll enjoy it.
If bondage gets a big yes on your kink checklist, then you can look into bondage equipment such as cuffs or rope or bondage tape to step up your BDSM game.
Dominance/Discipline
There are two words that represent the D in BDSM. Dominance means having power or influence over others, while discipline means to train someone to obey rules, often using punishment to correct disobedience.
Dominance and discipline can take practice at first, so have fun with it and don’t take yourself too seriously. I always say that anticipation is half the fun in BDSM, and it will make the sex all the more intense when you finally get your hands on your partner. Being dominant in bed starts outside of the bedroom, so it’s time to brush up on your dirty talk, Dom/me/mxs!
Sending saucy texts is such a great way to build confidence and start to harness your dominant persona. This will drive your submissive wild knowing all the dirty things you plan to do to them! There’s nothing like being told you’re getting tied up, spanked and fucked for being naughty to give you that fluttery feeling between your thighs for the rest of the working day.
Submission
And on the flip side of dominance, we have submission. As a submissive myself, I can tell you that sexual submission can be incredibly liberating, despite what the mainstream media might portray. Submission is not just about fulfilling the desires of your Dominant. Being submissive is about putting your pleasure in the hands of your partner, and allowing them to take you on a beautiful journey of sexual self-discovery.
As someone who is quite naturally dominant in my working life, I find submission to be such a sweet release. When I am submitting to my Dom, all of my responsibilities can be forgotten. In that sense, I find it very meditative and relaxing to submit. It’s quite common for those who are naturally dominant in their daily lives to enjoy submitting to their partner in the bedroom. It’s a time and place where you can forget about work, the kids or the dishes (unless a saucy French maid role play springs to mind?) and give in to your deepest, darkest fantasies.
Understanding your submissive persona takes time, so go with the flow and see what feels good. Try introducing different positions that make you feel overpowered. Agree on new ways of addressing your partner such as “Sir” or “Mistress” to see what turns you on. You won’t like everything, but these early stages of discovery can be so much fun!
Sadism
Sadism means to deriving gratification from inflicting pain, suffering or humiliation onto others. The term sadism actually comes from 19th Century writer The Marquis De Sade, who infamously wrote many sordid tales for which he was subsequently imprisoned.
And this is often where I see people start to question their own fantasies, and suppressing their sadistic desires because they feel they are inherently wrong. Whilst it’s always worth being mindful about where your kinks are coming from, the important thing to remember is that sadistic fantasies can be hot when they involve a partner whose masochistic fantasies align with yours. In many ways, sadism in BDSM is about inflicting pain knowing it causes another person pleasure.
So, you like the thought of spanking your partner’s ass and calling them names? You’re not alone! I for one love the feeling of vulnerability and excitement that comes from some of the rawest acts of domination.
Just to clear things up, healthy sadistic fantasies come with a conscience and consent. Consent is sexy. Combine that with excellent communication and trust, and you’ve got a delicious recipe for hot kinky sex.
Masochism
Masochism is the yin to sadism’s yang. It’s getting off on your own pain or humiliation. This often goes hand in hand with submission, but not always! Masochism can be about giving in to your own vulnerability and finding arousal, pleasure or comfort in exploring how much pain you can take.
There is also a scientific reason why we might enjoy pain. The part of our brain that’s linked to pain is right next to the part that recognises pleasure. It releases the same chemicals such as endorphins (the feel-good hormone). So the next time you’re questioning your masochistic fantasies, just remember that science doesn’t lie. If that’s not an excuse for a good spanking, then I don’t know what is!
Masochistic fantasies don’t all have to be to do with inflicting real pain. BDSM is all about role play, and in the case of humiliation fantasies, these can be purely psychological too. It’s the fantasy element that gets you off. You probably wouldn’t actually want to get caught masturbating in your office by your boss, and if you did, it’s unlikely his response would be to bend you over the desk and spank you for being so naughty. In the realm of kink though, this can make for a pretty steamy fantasy role play.
Finding Your Kink
Bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism might be the core kinks at play here, but they are just the tip of this very kinky iceberg which is the world of BDSM. You don’t have to enjoy pain to be a submissive, nor do you have to be a Dominant to enjoy tying your partner up during sex. You could enjoy being Dominant one day, and submissive the next – you make the rules! There’s pretty much a kink for every day of the week, so you can dip your toes into the world of BDSM as much or as little as you like until you find what really turns you on.
Want to learn more about BDSM and Kink?
If you’d like to learn more about BDSM and how it works, then keep an eye out for our upcoming events and workshops on all things BDSM and kink.
Hi I’m Kitten Sarah. I am a submissive kitty and passionate writer. Living the BDSM lifestyle and encouraging female sexual liberation. I also enjoy good wine and travelling the world!