What is a fetish?
A fetish, generally, is sexual excitement in response to an object or body part, which is not typically seen as sexual. According to a survey by Ann Summers, around 75% of adults in the UK have at least one fetish. A fetish does not always have to be sexual in nature – an important definition refers to objects believed to be imbued with supernatural or magical powers. Many people with sexual fetishes can’t become aroused, get an erection and or have an orgasm without that object or body part being present, at least on a level of fantasy, in their sexual experiences.
Though fetishes can be stigmatised by some, they’re nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, they can be something that enriches your sexual tapestry. Remember: you are not alone and there are many people who won’t judge you.
When is a fetish not a fetish?
There are instances where a fetish can be problematic, especially when it comes to the dehumanisation or demeaning objectification of a marginalised person. This is known as fetishisation, rather than a fetish, the different term helping to convey that it is not simply a sexual appetite to have these thoughts about people but rather an action that can create real harm and which serves to further oppression. There are also instances where fetishes will cross a legal and ethical line into what are known as paraphilic disorders, such as necrophilia and zoophilia, although these are very rare.
In this article, when we refer to fetish, we are not including paraphilic disorders or fetishisations in our use of the term.
Hand Fetish
Though typically a non-sexualised part of the body, hands can become obligatory (as in required for sexual satisfation) fetish objects. Hand partialism, typically, involves sexual excitement or arousal when seeing or engaging with hands. This wouldn’t necessarily involve the hands in a sexual context, although the arousal would be sexual. One person might fantasise specifically about hands on bodies, whereas another might find watching a video of a concert pianist particularly erotic. The fetish might focus on the look, taste, feel or smell of the hands, or it may gain its power from the way hands and fingers can move.
Kink vs. Fetish – The Difference
The terms fetish and kink are often used interchangeably. This is incorrect. Kink is a broader term that encompasses sexual interests that are alternative – anything beyond the heteronormative idea of unkinky or ‘vanilla’ sex. Fetish is a sexual fixation on a specific object or body part – and one may not be able to ‘get off’ without it.
What is a hand fetish?
Have you ever looked at someone’s hands and thought: “Wow, they look nice!” Maybe, you’ve seen a close-up of some veiny hands online and given the photo a double-tap. We’re not saying that every instance of appreciating someone’s hands is a fetish… After all, a person’s experience with their fetishes is super individual and unique. But, if you’re particularly drawn to and aroused by hands, or very specifically like to date people with, for instance, neater, manicured nails, or who wear lots of rings, you might be partial. However, like any partialism, it can manifest into something of a sexual nature. In this case, it could result in something like hand worship.
Different types of Hand Fetish
Sexual arousal or excitement could be caused by a specific area (like the nails, palms, or fingers). Alternatively, it could be specifically about an action performed by the hands (like nail-painting). To clarify, this action can be sexual or non-sexual in nature. If it takes on a sexual nature, this attraction can take the form of fingering, handjobs, sucking on fingers etc.
The most common subtype of hand kink focuses on fingernails. For example, sexual arousal can be caused by their appearance – or by something more physical like scratching. Keeping yourself well-groomed, manicured and painted may not feel sensual to you, but for some people it can be of utmost sexual importance. On the other hand (no pun intended), some hand fetishists may prefer the rugged look: bitten nails and veins galore.
Though it is less common than other fetishes, cheirophilia is recognised by the porn industry. It is perhaps because hands are present (generally) during dating and sex, that cheirophilia is rarely brought up – or recognised – as a fetish.
Can you get rid of a fetish?
The question of ‘how to get rid of a fetish’ is concerning, as this is not possible. This idea of having the ability or needing to turn off a fetish can be harmful, especially to the fetish and kink community, as it indicates an underlying mistrust or pathologising of fetishes and the people who have them. Lumping all fetishes together is a damaging practice, also. This discussion reinforces the stigma around fetish and unfairly erases how progressive these circles can actually be. Further, alternative sex scenes, as well as the communication around alternative approaches to sex, have been instrumental in the sexual liberation and queer rights movements.
When we destigmatise fetish (or kink), it provides safety, honesty and a safer space to pursue pleasure. Whereas, when you approach an ‘expert’ to “get rid of a fetish” – many of whom use tactics also common in aversion therapy – it is dangerous, not to mention disturbing and traumatic. If you turn up to the wrong therapist with concerns about your sexual fantasies, you could likely be subject to shame and stigma. Why should we feel ashamed about our sexualities? Why should we need fixing?
That isn’t to say that there are no good people to talk to about fetish, particularly if it is something that you are not sure how to navigate or come to terms with yourself. If you have concerns or uncertainties around any element of your sexual life, seeking the help of a qualified sex therapist can be a good place to start to navigate those thoughtfully and usefully.
Fetish Dating 101
When To Tell Someone About Your Fetish
Disclosure of any kind is hard, and we get that you may have questions. After all, there often can be shame and stigma around alternative sex, or even sex that hasn’t been deemed part of the sexual world or recognised by the “mainstream”. If you’re unsure of how to introduce a fetish to your partner, you may find it comforting to know that studies have found that being able to communicate your sexual preferences to your partners can lead to better sex.
When’s the best or the right moment to mention your fetish?
Well, being open and honest about your fetish is key, so finding the right time comes down to when you are able to open up with your partner/s about sex. It is often recommended that the best place to talk about sex is not the bedroom, and the best time not immediately before, during or after sexual interactions as these are moments when people can be feeling vulnerable. It may work best for you to schedule some time, when both/all of you are available to chat, although there’s also no need to make this a big confessional conversation if that isn’t how you feel about it. Telling your partner something you like that they do with their hands can be a good way into the hand fetish conversation, too: “I love when you do X with your hands – can we explore that more?”
How To Tell Someone About Your Fetish
Just remember, a partner who cares about your happiness, pleasure and enjoyment during sex will listen, and may be able to consider implementing your fetish into their sex life. Stay positive; be patient. They may not have a clue about what you like. So, our advice is to try to focus on what turns you on and explain your fantasies. Additionally, you could show your partner/s some hand fetish porn or specific resources, if they were open to that. Roleplay can also be a good place to begin exploring and experimenting, as you can incorporate elements of a fantasy gradually. Most importantly, this may well all be new for your partner – so, don’t rush. And if your partner isn’t interested in your fetish, or doesn’t respond well, that needs to be accommodated. Your partner isn’t just there for your needs, and how they feel about this information needs to be considered and given significance too. Don’t try and force them to try anything: if they are very uninterested, or uncomfortable, with your fetish, you will need to think about where and how you are happy and able to compromise.
So – when it comes to something like a hand fetish, start with talking about what you like, and figuring out what your partner/s like, too. You can tell them, for instance, that you may prefer a handjob over a blowjob, or want to incorporate more fingering into your sex lives. Be open and honest about your preferences – then, experiment. Get the nail polish out, too!
Tips For Great Sex (With a Hand Fetish)
Hand fetish sex can be very versatile! With something as dextrous and nimble as your hands, there are almost unlimited sensations and plenty of pleasure to be had. Some of our tips for great sex are giving (or receiving) a sensual massage, dressing up in roleplay (think: gloves) and connecting with the fetish community to explore and discover more about the world of hand fetishes.
You’re not alone with your hand kink, fetish or partialism, so roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. It’s all hands on deck.
Piper Huxley (she/her) is a transgender woman currently living in the south of England. She studied English Literature and Theatre Studies at the University of Reading. Now, Piper is a full-time content writer and creator. Her passions include starting projects that she will never finish, listening to some trashy indie record or staring at her pile of unread books – which seems to be mysteriously growing…