If you already enjoy having sex with just one other person, it’s easy to see how adding a third party into the mix could be exciting: there’s more bodies to explore, more eye candy to ogle, and (for many people) more pleasure to be had.
But as with any planned group activity, putting a threesome together can take a fair amount of emotional and logistical preparation; it doesn’t usually just fall into place the way it might in porn or erotic novels. Let’s talk about the best ways to approach a first-time threesome.
Things To Know Before A Threesome: How Does A Threesome Work?
While it’s very possible for three friends (or even three strangers) to partake in some threesome fun together, the most common way a threesome comes about is a pre-existing couple being joined by a third – the “special guest star,” if you will.
But any time you introduce a new element into an established relationship, you run the risk of disrupting the harmonious connection you’ve worked so hard to cultivate between the two of you. For this reason, experts recommend having a good long talk with your partner before you even start planning your first threesome, to figure out whether you’re on the same page about the idea, and whether your motivations line up.
“It’s really important that both members of the couple have individual reasons for wanting the threesome that have nothing to do with pleasing the other, feeling that they owe their partner in some way, or anything like that,” says Leanne Yau, polyamory educator and founder of Poly Philia. “What do you want to get out of the threesome? Do you want to spoil the third person together, do you want to watch your partner, do you want to be watched, or some combination of the above?”
I would recommend looking for a third on a dating app rather than ‘in the wild,’ as it is much easier to state your desires upfront in a dating profile, and those who don’t like it simply don’t have to match with you
Leanne Yau
Don’t Use Threesomes To Problem-Solve
Sometimes couples who’ve been fighting, or losing interest in each other, will try having a threesome as a last-ditch effort to save their failing relationship. But – as with having a baby, getting married, or adopting a puppy for the same reason – this can easily backfire, and doesn’t guarantee that any healing or improvement will occur. Considering how emotionally fraught it can be to invite a third into your bedroom at even the best of times, it’s probably wisest to get your relationship back to a healthier, more solid place before attempting a risky manoeuvre like group sex.
One way to gauge the health of your relationship and to figure out if you’re ready for a threesome is to have a conversation about the feelings you imagine might come up for each of you in that scenario. “If you’re thinking about dipping your toe into the pool for a group swim, addressing hopes, fears, and expectations is vital,” says Ryn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer and the author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating.
Think About Boundaries
Part of this includes establishing boundaries that you both will stick to, should you decide to go through with a threesome. For instance, you might decide to make condoms, dental dams and/or gloves mandatory during the encounter for your sexual health’s sake. Or you might decide that a particular kink that you like to play with together as a couple will be off-limits during the threesome, if it feels too emotionally vulnerable for one or both members of the couple to share it with another person. Hammering out these details before you even begin your search for a third can help clarify if you actually want to have a threesome after all.
How To Find Someone For A Threesome
At this point you might be wondering, “How can I have a threesome if I don’t know anyone who’s interested in joining my partner and I in the bedroom?” This is a common question among sexually adventurous couples, but the answer is fairly straightforward, if not necessarily easy or fast: look online.
“I would recommend looking for a third on a dating app rather than ‘in the wild,’ as it is much easier to state your desires upfront in a dating profile, and those who don’t like it simply don’t have to match with you,” Yau advises. “The vast majority of non-monogamous people I know met on dating apps because it is simply easier than having to explain and justify yourself to a stranger and potentially receive a lot of judgement, ignorance and ridicule.”
The best way to get a threesome going is to find other people with the same goal. For this reason, there are apps geared specifically toward people seeking threesomes or other types of non-monogamous sex, such as Feeld, #Open, and 3Somer. However, these specialty apps tend to have a smaller user base than better-known services like Tinder and OkCupid, which is why some threesome-seekers try their luck on those more mainstream apps, taking care to make their group-sex intentions clear in their profile.
On apps that target the general population, you’ll likely have a harder time finding someone who’s genuinely up for group sex, but if you do, odds are higher that it’ll be their first time in a threesome – and if it’s your first time too, maybe you’d prefer someone similarly new to the scene.
How To Have A Threesome
One of the reasons organising a threesome is so tricky is that you must be mindful of three people’s feelings, not just two. Pfeuffer and Yau both note that you should take care not to objectify your potential third; they’re a person too, not a humanoid sex robot created to fulfil your exact fantasy. It helps if you can tell them upfront what you are or aren’t up for, so they can opt in or opt out of that. “If it’s all about casual sex, that’s okay if everyone consents to the dynamic,” Pfeuffer says. “But the third must not be treated like an object.” That is, unless that is specified and desired by them, and discussed between you all beforehand.
Yau suggests plenty of communication with the third person before having a threesome: “What are your boundaries and dealbreakers? More importantly, are your requests realistic to ask of your partner and the third person?” She points out that some couples get so overzealous with their boundary-setting that they might set unreasonable rules, like that members of the couple are only allowed to orgasm with each other and not with the third. It could make you feel more emotionally secure to create that rule, but since we only have so much control over our bodies, it could be easily broken, as could the trust between threesome participants. Be realistic about how your rules might be achieved, and what the parameters could be around the activities going on that will help you achieve them, making sure to incorporate the third person into your conversations. You also want to discuss what to do if something happens that you are not comfortable with, and talk through what to do if someone wants to stop or pause play.
Don’t forget, too, that the third person likely has their own hopes, wishes and fantasies for the encounter, and that these should of course be taken into consideration. “I’m all for casual sex, but my pleasure needs to be equitable,” Pfeuffer says. Part of learning how to arrange a threesome is learning to be thoughtful, respectful, and sexually generous toward everyone involved.
Deciding in advance on a safeword, as well as discussing what each of you will need for aftercare, is a smart idea too.
Top Tips For The Best Threesome Ever
Ultimately, what actually happens during the threesome should be based on whatever the three of you find hot and are most excited to do together. But there are a few tips that can guide you if you’re ever unsure what to do next.
1. “If you have a hand, mouth, or appendage free, find something to do with it,” Yau says. The more bodies are in the room, the more sensitive spots there are to stimulate, so you may as well revel in the bacchanalian maximalism of the threesome and give as much pleasure as you get, if not more.
2. Don’t be afraid to incorporate toys. Since threesomes are largely about having fun, and so are sex toys, it only makes sense to combine them! Toys can also take the pressure off, if (for example) you want to please two people at once but find it physically tricky to do so.
3. It’s okay to watch. Though you might feel left out if the other two people are having a sexy moment together, remember that voyeurism is participation and can be one of the most fun parts of having a threesome. “You can watch the other two people, or maybe even direct the scene if that’s something everyone is into,” Yau suggests. Pleasure yourself whilst watching, or experiment with the limits of your self-restraint.
4. Have a sense of humour about it. “I tend to enter [threesomes] with minimal expectations because what may be smooth in my head doesn’t always translate in bed. Sometimes strong emotions surface, or someone suffers from performance anxiety,” Pfeuffer says. “Sex is supposed to be fun and playful, so I try not to take it too seriously. Of course, there will be awkward moments – just go with it.”
Kate Sloan (she/her) is an award-winning sex journalist, cohost of the podcasts The Dildorks and Question Box, and author of the books 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do and 200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender. You can keep up with her work on Twitter (@Girly_Juice) and Instagram (@Girly_Juice).